Sum jokes?

In the park on a bench there were sitting 2 lovers, kissing each other passionately. The boy opens up his zipper and says to the girl:
-Put your hand inside and tell me, what do you think of him?
-Mmmmmmm...... he's so long and hard, I would gladly lick and suck the juice out of him..
-I'm glad you like it, that's the biggest dump I've ever taken!



Court. Divorce case, the fight goes on about who's going to get parental rights. The wife stands up, and starts her plea by saying it are her kids, she bore them and therefore she has the rights to keep them.
The judge now turns towards the man, eager to hear what he has to say. The man however, sits silently, only after a while he stands up and says: Your honor, if I put a coin in a vending machine, and a soda can pops out, is the can mine or the machines'?



Hitler and Stalin awaken after long years of hybernation. There's a newspaper lying on the table. Stalin takes it, and puts it back after a brief while with a big smirk on his face.
Why are you smiling? - says Hitler
-Germany has accepted communism
Hitler then angrily takes the paper, reads every page, and after that he tears it apart and throws the pieces around with a big smile & happy face.
Why the hell are you so happy?- asks Stalin
Hitler replies with a big grin: Skirmishes on the Polish-Chinese border



A certain guy had a parrot that was always calling from his cellphone, which caused the man to have huge bills. One day the man says to the parrot:
-If I catch you one more time, I'll nail you by your wings to the wall for the same amount of time that you have cost me money.
Ok - says the parrot
The next day the man returns home, checks his call log and sees the parrot has been calling for 30min in total, so he catches her and nails her to the wall for 30 days.
2 days have past, and the parrot just hangs there, bored as hell, as she suddenly notices while looking around that Jesus is hanging right next to her on a cross.
-Heey, 'sup dude, how long have you been hanging there?
-2000 years
-Wow, who the FUCK have YOU been calling?



Dear John,
I can't continue this relationship any longer. The distance between us is just too great. I have to admit, I cheated on you, twice, because you weren't here and its just unfair. Forgive me. And please, send back the picture I gave you.
Kisses
Mary

John, a soldier, was heartbroken, so he asked all his soldier buddies for pictures of their current and/or ex-girlfriends. He sealed the envelope with about 50 pictures of beautiful girls and that of Mary together with a letter:

Dear Mary,
I'm sorry, but I just can't remember who the hell you are. Please pick your picture from that pile, and send the rest back.
Hang tight!



A bear was sitting in the woods, smelling his finger, thinking:
-hmm, smells like honey
After which he smells it again:
-noo, this is shit!
And smells it again:
-nah, it must be honey
And again:
-no way, this smells like shit
And yet again:
-Ok, now I'm certain. This is honey.
Satisfied with his conclusion he stops smelling his finger. After a while however, he starts thinking:
-How the fuck did honey get up my ass?



A tremendously rich lawyer is attending a banquet organized by the Red Cross. A man from the Red Cross is accusing him for being so disgustingly rich and not giving a dime for a good cause.
Well firstly -says the lawyer- my mother is sick and dying in a hospital, and the insurance does not cover it. Secondly, I have 7 kids from 3 previous marriages. Thirdly, my sisters' husband has recently died and she can't provide for her 5 kids...
- I'm terribly sorry -says the embarrassed man- I feel awful for asking you for money.
To which the lawyer replies:
-Ha, I don't even give THEM any money, so why the fuck should I give you guys?

k, back to tenses, modality and noun phrases :D